spent the majority of today listening 2 modular synthesizer noise along the river pic.twitter.com/SNdJWcK8VM

— 💬 (@aruariandepart) May 28, 2023

mini essay. enjoy. featured in my video titled ducks on my youtube channel gracieesque

on twitter i found a video captioned spent the majority of today listening 2 modular synthesizer noise along the river. this made me inconsolably sad. i cant exactly articulate why but ill try here on this scroll of text over a video of a pond by my house. so the video is from an account that i followed because they post quote en quote aesthetic stuff about their life in japan. all good all nice and social media jealous. ive been incredibly sad because of the lack of anything in my life recently. it might just be because i dont have silly things to take pictures and videos of in my day-to-day life in the suburbs. i am lacking the social life i had in my apartment life and the general people watching ability i love and am borderline obsessed with. i cant just sit and stare out the window at the pieces of trash blowing in the wind like i can downtown. anyway back to the tweet. spent the majority of today listening 2 modular synthesizer noise along the river i feel like everything about this is evil to me personal. majority of today - spending a great deal of time doing absolutely nothing to deal with a phone or my computer or work. zero immediate poop being pumped into my eyes only the ability to actually form thoughts by what im looking at and listening to. observation is so important to me and to my personality!!!! my roommate said that im observant and im like attaching myself to it so hard. i hate when people tell me things about myself because then i just get too into whatever that is to try and build a sense of self that i usually lack. anyway back to the tweet AGAIN . listening to 2 modular synthesizer noise - come on. ive been very obsessed with the idea of being weird and like freakishly enigmatic (which i am not but i so desperately want to be). i am so jealous of both the 2 modular synthesizer noise performers and the op. its insane. i wish i was any of them. i have no talent! i cant make things good!!! its insane and evil and self-hatey but sorry its how my brain works. i want to be good at things and create things that are obscure and engage and consume things that are obscure but not be pretentious about it — like some people i know are. i think destroying my social media presence is helping this. unfortunately i have no friends and no social life which i also desperately crave so its like a double edged sword of wanting to be known and wanting to be unknown. terrible. the last part of the tweet that i wanted to mention was the end of the tweet itself — along the river. i think that is why i decided to add this scroll here - because i was along some water. not a river, but along a pond edge. it was like too hot and the sun was directly in my face but it was worth it i enjoyed being there. presence is important to me — wether that be in a conversation or trying to remember things in the moment - similar to my observation obsession. anyway. very jealous of that twitter user and the musicians. anyway. hope you liked my duck video.