(insp. by maalused) i dont have anything but sadness and silliness in my brain

WARNING! i try to write here every day! its never interesting or really important, but i like to do it! also, if i know you well and you're here... sorry... i dont like being alive or being me so you're just gonna have to bear witness to that here. anyway. ty!
ENTRY: Sept 23rd,2023.

Currently listening to: jenny nicholson land before time video

LOONA TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENTRY: Sept 18th, 2023.

Currently listening to: jerma stream

holy fucking shit what is the point. i care so much about so many things and i love so so many more but im always the hater. i hate everything apparently. its so horrible. maybe i should hate everything and just kill myself!!!!! get rid of myself so everyone can be peace love and happiness like usual right????? so fucking awful. i hate being seen by others because i latch so heavily onto whatever they say. im the hater i hate everything i hate myself i hate you i cant do anything right im incapable of being normal ill never have a social life ill never be who i should be. fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly unlikable in every way i get it i see myself from their eyes.

ENTRY: Sept 16th, 2023.

Currently listening to: sensitive by loossemble

i hate myself. sorry that you know me.

ENTRY: Sept 11th, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing

i feel so terrible and so less than recently. i need to destroy myself and decay to not have those thoughts. i will never be on par with the people i surround myself with. i am not as talented or good looking or skilled or experienced in anything i have nothing i am nothing. i feel worthless when i am around people i like because i admire everyone so much and i will never be anything close to them.

relapse is hard but like i know that im the one controlling it so my awareness makes it worse. like what a fucking weak piece of shit. good times.

ENTRY: Sept 8th, 2023.

Currently listening to: esme (and autumn) by joanna newsom

i try too hard and not hard enough.

in other news i still have no ideas for anything which makes me feel like as much of a failure as usual. i have nothing to offer anyone which makes me wonder if everyone around me just pities me. i certainly pity myself. its cyclical. hate, loathe, pity, pedestal. i might get a job soon. i have to. im already feeling so bothersome to everyone and i need something to take my mind off my self hatred. ive been thinking about how i have no independant thoughts recently. i cant like something just because i do i have to have someone else like it too so i dont feel like my interests and thougths are meaningless. even though they most definitely are. im biting my nails off and fucking up my armskin again. im grateful to my roommate who makes me do things and go outside and who watches movies with me. i think if i didnt like her i wouldve lost it all. im so selfish. who gives a shit. im typing on my super expensive computer sitting on my bed that my mommy and daddy bought me in an apartment that they pay for in a city i hate because i dont have anything better to do. i have nothing ahead of me and nothing behind me. im an npc i dont matter. who cares! fucking self pitying loser. time to go to sleep. i hope i wake up differnt.

ENTRY: Sept 3rd, 2023.

Currently listening to: jerma wrestling empire stream

i really dont understand why it is so difficult for me to feel like im not the worst and most annoying person to ever exist. i keep telling myself that i need to leave my friends alone because i dont want them to leave me like that is so annoying like i cant even convince myself that anyone can even tolerate being around me. i dont know how to help this though. idk. my self-analysis is too easy like i really do think that i make way too much sense. i just like. hate myself. obviously. im just jealous of everyone else. obviously. anyway.

ive been getting into the habit of reading for like 3 hours and then when i get tired i just lay down on the couch and listen to the sounds of my apartment and my roommates and my breathing and i love it. ive also been taking the bus like everywhere so i get to watch people on the bus and outside of it. on my bus ride home from seeing some movie last night, i saw two guys arm wrestling through the window of a subway. i also saw an older guy on the bus take a few selfies. every time i go to the alamo drafthouse now, i like half chat up the person at the front desk, but they werent there when i went yesterday. i hope they have a shift in the next day or so, i need to return my dvds. my life is so boringgggggggggggg. i really badly need school to start and to get a job and maybe to have a singular new person in my life oh my god.

ENTRY: Aug 31st, 2023.

Currently listening to: smiling broadly ep

bottoms kinda fucked up my brain. like along with this dream i had the other day... its been revelatory. but like not really. dating just doesnt feel like it would work for me like i feel like my self loathing gets in the way too much like i just fuck my own brain up. i hate being not skinny and attractive. fucking annoying if you ask me. oh well. at least i have a hobby or so. and delusional thought patterns.

ENTRY: Aug 29th, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing

i feel like i am losing my mind. i feel like im pretending to be someone but why would i pretend to be me??????? i feel like i dont think for myself or breathe for myself or do anything of my own volition. i dont want to be selfish but i wish i was and i know i am. but for what reason?? i think im lying to myself and to everyone. im not complicated im easy but i want to be something im not. you arent real im not real. nobody i care about is real to me because why would they even feel inclined to reciprocate.

ENTRY: Aug 27th, 2023.

Currently listening to: cafe lumiere

didnt spend any money today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i keep applying for jobs and they never reply. i just need something that wont make me feel miserable every second im there. i hope something works out soon. i read audition the book today and rewatched the movie. it was interesting to compare the two. i cant pick which one i like better. probably the movie. i like miike. i need to read more ryu murakami though. i liked the style. i have to get up early tomorrow to show my roommate around campus. lame. i hope i have time to read tomorrow. idk what book to start yet.

ENTRY: Aug 26th, 2023.

Currently listening to: jerma house flipper stream... again

had a very gay dream last night. one of many. i also spent the day watching romcoms with my roommate so that was really great for my self-esteem. oh well. i have "plans" for the week which is nice. fuck.

ENTRY: Aug 24th, 2023.

Currently listening to: jerma house flipper stream

came up with an idea but idk if ill be able to pull it off. also i made this today https://bomsoup.mmm.page/ ill probably add more to it soon. i bought two new shirts yesterday! i hope they turn out cool and ship quickly. i am preparing to get really REALLY sad. as soon as i get back to my apartment i feel like it will hit. lame. dont want to break my streak but i might have to if it gets too bad. lame again.

ENTRY: Aug 23rd, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing

i need to make something or im gonna kill myself. i have like 1/3 of an idea but it has no meaning so i need to like. build it. ughhhhhhhhskdjnfkm. if anyone has any book recommendations, let me know please

ENTRY: Aug 22nd, 2023.

Currently listening to: change by big thief

lets play "how many times can i get into a fight with my mom while im at home for less than 5 days"... currently at 2. i hate being here. i just like AC and free food and my dentist fucked my teeth up so i had to stay anyway. oh well. my issues with my mom will be like a 10 page segment in my own psychoanalysis.

ENTRY: Aug 20th, 2023.

Currently listening to: marks theme by bcnr

meant to rant on here today but my stomach hurts so ill do it tomorrow. im going home because its going to be 103 degrees downtown and i have no AC. plans include : visiting the library, going to a dentist appointment, picking up my new glasses, re-dying my hair, getting a hair cut, hopefully convincing my mom to buy me some new clothes because i have been wearing the same three outfits for a year straight. also i just started talking to someone new and i hope it works out because they seem cute. i hope my stomach stops fucking HURTINGGGGGGGGGG

ENTRY: Aug 18th, 2023.

Currently listening to: one million dollars by 100 gecs

made another video today... not that good again. i also revealed myself to my roommates to be really good at games on youtube. im almost done with the checklist given to me. i have one point five more things to do. tomorrow my roommates and i are getting a couch and i think thats the entire plan for the day. sux.

also like i feel so fucking annoying just trying to text/talk to anyone recently. like i want to share stuff like a normal person but i feel so fucking clingy like get a life leave me alone! i just need to get a job or i need school to start so i can have days that are not just aimless. im sorry if ive been annoying lately. i am trying hard not to be. its my fault for having five people to talk to ever

ENTRY: Aug 17th, 2023.

Currently listening to: complex by stayc

went outside and shot some stuff. it was kind of ridiculous because i was wearing my eraserhead shirt like yeah we know who you are, idiot. i still need to write a story to film. i dont have any ideas which sux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! send me album recs im bored with my musics

ENTRY: Aug 15th, 2023.

Currently listening to: picture me better by weyes blood

trip over. move in over. loona tickets secured. my summer is over. i thought A LOT on my trip so thats what im going to put here i think. nothing too cheerful so this one is a good skip.

i talk a lot about being a loser but this trip really solidifed it for me. meeting my friends' friends really fucked with me. the same issue has been haunting me for like as long as i can remember but its been especially bad over the last year. the cycle of me being a shut in loser with no friends continues to be pointed in my face whenever i talk to my friend and my roommate. roommate went out all the time with guys from dating apps, i felt like shit because i cant do that bc im fat and uggo, roommate gets back, roommate talks to friend about that kind of stuff, i feel like shit because i cant relate. cycle continues. obviously this issue is me being jealous but it just fucking sucks anyway. im jealous of both of them. but especially my friend. i cant even fathom being in his position. or my roommates. knowing the same people your whole life, living in the same house, having the same friend group, knowing everything about them. i cant have that. i never will. i am missing connection to other people and its wearing me down. moving houses, schools, friends, partners, interests, thoughts, at the drop of a hat is destroying me. i feel like i cant relate to anything they talk about. texting friends all the time. snapchatting when youre trying to talk to them. discussing morality of friends with benefits. i am nothing regarding that. feeling alone with two people that you think you are pretty close to is horrible. its been like this with these two for like a year though and im not used to it yet. i feel like im not a person with feelings and thoughts in their eyes. maybe its because im fat and theres no room for fat people to have relationships anymore. maybe its becasue im obnoxious and stand offish at the same time. me and my roommate were both third wheeling at different times but i feel like when i third wheel its worse. she third wheeled whenever we talked about movies or media but i third wheeled whenever they talked about life fucking experiences. my points of conversation were about me staring at a fucking screen and hers were about everything but that. i know nothing about him but he knows about me. i have never heard him talk about his thoughts. i never will. he was never a third wheel. he never will be. we always say that his one flaw is that hes a man but its deeper than that for me. he doesnt even need us. like he will always have a small army of childhood friends to hang out with at any and all times. we are just the chicago friends that mean nothing. if anything, we will be cut off from him and there will be two less people for him to text, thats all. my roommate and i talked a lot about how we both seek approval from him which is so fucked up because i know he doesnt even notice. maybe its because hes too busy thinking about other shit like he said like a million times. i guess we just have to accept that we will never be close with someone who doesnt even need us as friends. we just have to accept that he will always choose everyone else over us because of longevity. he will always open a video his friends send him while youre trying to talk. who fucking cares. he fucking doesnt.

it just sucks to be on a tricycle with one big wheel and two small ones. i dont know. its just my fault for being so sensitive. im too touchy with things like that. i cant blame someone for having what i wish i had. jealousy is too strong an emotion for me to overcome so it tends to decimate me. i care about both of them so much more than they know because i have so little to rely on in my life. very selfish. as usual. its not even worth it to try because i just feel like an asshole that is obsessed with anyone who is nice to me like fucking look at this i wrote a fucking manifesto about my friend that has probably never thought that much about our relationship. once again, me being selfish, assuming that this friendship matters enough to warrent my roommate and friend even thinking abaout me when we arent together. fuck. im such an idiot. this is why i leave everyone. i overthink and overanalyze and assign a lot more value to things everyone esle sees as normal and fine. my instinct when things get like this is to cut them off and just be alone all day every day. even now i cut people off in one swift motion and dont think about it for that long. i care too much but i still maintain the idea that it doesnt matter and they never really liked me anyway so it makes it easier to leave. ill add more here later im so tired.

ENTRY: Aug 3rd, 2023.

Currently listening to: 24H by itzy

moving in to my new apartment tomorrow. im so stressed. im gonna be there for literally two days and then im going on a trip like cmon. idiot. i need to get a fucking job so bad. i love spending money too much to be unemployed this semester. plus my room is so small itll probably be better to be not in it all day. i hope theres a remote job i can get anyway LOL. i hate talking to people. im also buying loona tickets tomorrow and im so stressed about that too like if i dont get these tickets im going to cry fr. like i need to see them again. my girlfriend line (minus jungeun -- hyunjin, gowon, and vivi) are ALL going to be there like fuck i need to propose to gowon. its almost been a year since i saw them for the first time (and what i thought would be the last time). i hope i get tickets. i was lucky enough last year to have a good view (bc i paid for vip) so i hope i get a good one this year too! god. i love them. gn!

ENTRY: July 31st, 2023.

Currently listening to: pit-a-pet by yukika

currently craving domesticity. tomorrow i have the best plans ever : wake up, move boxes and things around my house, go to the optometrist, go to the post office. how fucking incredible. it scares me to no end to think of the fact that there will be no more chance for domesticity in the future. everything is dying. how can i enjoy a nice little sandwich when the world could run out of clean water at any moment. the supervolcano could explode right now and i couldnt do anything. i would just save my website and try to go to sleep. id probably actually just down all of my anxiety medication like the full 90 day supply. what else could i do??

in other news, i only have 3 episodes of twin peaks left. which is sad. but i really want to watch this like 5 hour long video essay about it. i had a lot of stuff spoiled for me beforehand in like screenshots and artwork and stuff but im really good at forgetting spoilers if i care about something enough. i want to get a little pet cat (akin to hyunjin's cat paldo) and name it dougie. considering watching showgirls for kale also. i dont want to see the pool scene though. ive seen it on twitter enough.

paldo for reference (hover over space to right) : https://twitter.com/kitty_nim_/status/1683636859065466880?s=20

ENTRY: July 30th, 2023.

Currently listening to: jerma stream

uneventful day. my head hurts. i drank too much lemonade.

ENTRY: July 27th, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing

this is bad. this is bad. i havent been feeling this bad lately. i dont know why this is happening. my sense of general hopelessness has returned with a fury. i think i havent felt this way all summer because ive been working like seven days a week and every moment i didnt have to work i would just focus on resting and now making my feet hurt. now that tomorrow is my last day for the summer, my old self is back. i just cant seem to be happy. i cant seem to fix myself. its like theres nothing wrong with me but i, like a proofreader, must find everything possible and circle it with a red pen.

im torn, also, betwen wanting more relationships and never talking to anyone again. i cant be esoteric if i want to kill myself whenever i have nobody to reach out to. i wont do that anyway. relationships make me feel like im the burden to anyone im trying to be friends with. i struggle with the idea and perhaps even the fact that i wish i didnt exist so i cant ruin everyone's lives just by taking up so much space in them. im running out of friends. theres no way i can find anyone else who will ever like me (selfish much?) anymore. [you're my favorite hater] im a hater who wants to find something worth not hating is that so wrong am i so wicked? (to quote pcw).

i am nothing and ill never be anything i have no time to think about the future but thats all i do. i feel nothing i feel everything i want to be friends with everyone i cant be friends with anyone i want to care about something but i refuse. its all so terrible. i did this to myself. i dont have anything to live for. i dont have anything anyone wants or sees. im nobody that will forever be nothing the world is killing itself why shouldnt i follow suit?

ENTRY: July 24th, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing

last week of my first job, quit my second one yesterday, i have a plan to go to the movie theater literally every day this week. work is fucking terrible this week actually. its only like 3 hours a day now but these hours are the worst. i watched oppenheimer today and it was meh. it just made me want to rewatch twbb which i did and its like actually the best movie ever. i also went to my friends house that i havent talked to in person since like 2021 and it was the worst thing ever to happen to me in the universe so i planned an escape and went home. fuck them. ill just plan on never seeing her again idc. i really am like brendan gleeson in banshees.

ENTRY: July 19th, 2023.

Currently listening to: air force one by oec

holy shit. i have to work barbenheimer opening weekend and im dreading it so bad. its going to be horrific. its also the last weekend im working at this theater which is bittersweet. bitter because i didnt get to take advantage of the free movies perk that much because this summer had shit releases and sweet because im gonna be done working there bc it sucks to be around 16 year olds all day. its also bitter because they didnt schedule me like at all during the week like i asked them to. but whatever.

i have my other job tonight for this like open house thing we do on wednesdays but i really dont want to go. its like optional but i need the money. ive been spending so much money on photocards. im so addicted. i think its because of the simultaneous lack of human connection and abundance of it. its also like the extreme couponer mentality like i need to get the best deals or else its bad.

speaking of money and being angry. my friend i complain about on here is on vacation in fucking italy on their parents dime. fucking ridiculous. i just had a conversation with my dad about work today like i was complaining about how my job sucks and my boss doesnt take me seriously and how im so stressed about my financial situation and he just said 'dont worry, it gets worse'. like. i know. but fucking have some heart man.

ummmmmmmm i havent watched a movie in several days. i finished the book i was reading and it was good actually. im reading a murakami now and like its good but like hes such a freak like he just HAS to mention the pubic hair of every girl like nobody needed to think about that. there was a character that was afraid of fridges though and like that was relatable.

unrelated but i stole some peanut mnms from work the other day and im still nervous about it even though ive done it before. this one had a rip in it though and my cover was gonna be that i was going to throw it out but i forgot. the bag is like staring at me accusingly and im scared of it.

ENTRY: July 14th, 2023.

Currently listening to: DND by apink

tired. very tired. worked a lot this week. my head hurts too bad to edit this video i shot today which sucks. and tomorrow i wont have time because i need to destroy my entire room so i can move out and move in to my new apartment. im trying to watch close up and like cast it to my tv but the stupid criterion channel app sucks butt so it crashes and disconnects like every three minutes. oh well. im a masochist who loves comfort anywway. i also got both of the semantles today on random guesses so that was cool. im getting good at those. it was my last full day at my job which sucks becasue less pay but is nice because now ill only have to go in from 8-11. but ill have to work more at AMC to recoup the losses. boo. i hate standing. im gonna finish close up and then like pass out probably. i need a good night sleep really bad. i also bought an odd era onew pc for literally 10 dollars so thats a win for me today. anyway. bye bye.

ENTRY: July 9th, 2023.

Currently listening to: seoling cafe vlog (new one though)

my job today literally sent me home 7 minutes into my shift, but they gave me compensation food so that was okay i didnt mind. i really dont want to go to work tomorrow, but when i get home MY SHINEE ALBUMS WILL BE HERE!!!!!!!!!! im so excited to see what i pull! im more excited to trade shinee though because i just love them so much. super excited!!!! i dont think much else is happening this week. anyway! bye!

ENTRY: July 8th, 2023.

Currently listening to: seoling cafe vlog

back to work tomorrow. its literally a four hour shift though so it will be like literally nothing. im going over to my friends house after too, so itll give me something to look forward to. even though its the friend ive been angry at for like two weeks. but whatever. we are deco-ing toploaders so itll be chill. and i can leave early bc i have work in the morning anyway. my boss for my main job shifted our start time back 15 minutes hallelujah. i get to go in at 8 instead of 7:45 every day.

speaking of toploaders, im really happy of the progress ive been making with my photocard collections! though i am struck by jealousy CONSTANTLY, i still like what i have. ive been collecting based on pages in my binder, like im trying to have a full page for each idol i like at least. i have a list of how many cards i need for each of my main biases to fill another page and its so fun to try and get all of them! my siyoon collection is looking so good rn, i traded a bunch of cards and soon ill have a full page plus one left over! im planning on just putting that one in a frame so i can keep her at a full page. my jongho collection is getting crazy though. i have like five pages of him now? the last two are like half action cards and half ids though so it doesnt count. i really wanna get an a5 binder to put his collection in but im too broke from joining a bunch of gos to try and get lds and stuff. eventually ill get one! im like desperately searching for this one wonderwall card that i need to finish my jongho face squish collection, but either nobody is selling/trading it or its literally 30 dollars. like chill out. ill give you 12. anyway. im also excited bc my shinee albums are finally getting here on monday!!!!!! if i dont pull the cards i want im gonna kill myself /j. i have 3 i really want to get so im hopefully gonna trade for them! i hope i pull taem so people will offer me two cards for one of his. LOL.

i hope work tomorrow isnt bad. my nice week long break is coming to a close and i really did nothing the entire time. i really need to think about my future. its getting really close.

ENTRY: July 4th, 2023.

Currently listening to: another binding of isaac stream by jerma

cont. from yesterday -- my friend also eats really loud and i think that is telling of their character.

ENTRY: July 3rd, 2023.

Currently listening to: cancer by mcr

being so heavily involved in the kpop trading community is so fucking terrible for my mental health. like how can people afford to buy 20-30 copies of the same album just for the photocards???? i can barely afford the two collections im like really working on. my friends sister (who i was complaining about yesterday) literally bought all 12 versions of an album for the pcs ONLY. and she fully collects vivi from loona like literally EVERY card with her face on it. do you know how much some of those cards are?? ill check rn. just ONE of these fucking cards (broadcast so what vivi) goes for approximately $200. like fuck off. she works though so its like valid i guess but she also lived in korea for like a year and then went back for vacation like fuck you. it is obviously jealousy talking but it just pisses me off because they dont know how privleged they are. like they'll never understand how lucky they are to be able to spend that much money on their hobbies without saving any money. i think my friend literally just gets money from their family and spends it however they want. fucking ridiculous. idk. whatever. i just wish that was me. like i was saying yesterday, i just wish i didnt have to worry so much about money. i am however like super fucking privleged in my own right. like im able to study FILM. like i am doing this to myself. anyway. idk. i just want to collect my silly little photocards like my friends do. i just feel like shit because im not able to. like i have to buy groceries. LOL.

ENTRY: July 2nd, 2023.

Currently listening to: mosquito by red velvet

a lot has happened since i last updated. most notably : i got to see twice in concert!!!!! after liking them since 2016 (my first introduction to kpop) i was very very happy on that day. ive also felt incredibly lost in all of my friendships recently. i dont like hanging out with my closest friend because i feel like they are so much more financially supported than i am, without having to work. so when we hang out i feel like i need to spend more money i really dont have. plus weve been hanging out with their sister too and it just makes me the third wheel, so i feel like dogshit for the entire duration of whatever we are doing. im also really bad at responding to my other friend. i just feel like i shouldnt most of the time. i think im just a bad friend.

in other news ive been spending a lot of money on photocards and coffee but im like telling myself its okay because i have two jobs, even though its really not okay. ugh. i am so stressed out about buying furniture for my apartment too. like i cannot afford a couch rn that is too much for me to think about rn.

i wish i could just buy whatever i wanted and live a nice happy life.

i also wish i could be creative. i feel like ive run out of any creativity ive had. i have no inspiration and i cant even watch movies without falling asleep recently. idk. its all bad. i wish i could just collect my silly photocards and exist peacefully and eat spicy crab rolls all day.

ENTRY: June 27th, 2023.

Currently listening to: binding of isaac stream - jerma

did a lot today, bought train tickets, took a nap, got ice cream, got paid, finished a book my friend's sister told me to read (it was lame), and now im just fighting off sleep. i have work from 7am - 7pm tomorrow so. sos. help. but then thursday i get to see TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so pumped. made a shirt for it, as usual, hope it turns out okay. i hope i dont kms tomorrow, that would suck.

ENTRY: June 26th, 2023.

Currently listening to: hard by shinee (on repeat)

WE GO WE GO WE GO HARD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKKKKKKKKKK i love shinee so much. (see shinee manifesto).. i finished listening to the album and im just so happy to be alive rn (very rare). im so excited for my albums to ship, i really wanna listen to this on cd.

below are my album thoughts because im not writing reviews, but you can tell what i liked based on my first listn spotify hearts. my favorites (in order) are : satellite, juice, 10x, and hard. the rest i have hearted are the same roughly and i still like whatever isnt hearted and im sure ill listen to it more than every other song ever because its shinee but just like not as good.

ENTRY: June 25th, 2023.

Currently listening to: camo by boa

tired but new shinee album at 4AM my time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pro :oh my god new shinee music holy fuck, ive heard part of hard and its so fucking good im so happy to be alive, new mv, new choreography, new music show appearances and stuff, nolto!!! con: idk when my albums are gonna ship, i cant listen to the album until after work, no onew participation (i want him to be healthy so i really dont care, i just care about him a great deal more than i care about myself at this point), i wont be able to stay up or wake up early to listen to it bc of work. anyway. super excited. ill also get to update shawolism.neocities.org which will be fun!!

happy pride vvv

ENTRY: June 23rd, 2023.

Currently listening to: jerma spilling drinks compilation

i feel like shit i am shit i have to work to be alive i hate working i hate being alive i don’t want to exist i have to exist i have responsibilities that i never asked for i feel too little i feel too much i say too little i say too much i want to be nothing i want to be everything i am me i am nothing i see you i have nothing i am nothing

ENTRY: June 21st, 2023.

Currently listening to: feel good by shinee

im so horrendously horrifically terribly terrifically tired. work SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! got my schedule for my second job and it sucks too, as expected. i've been feeling a lot of existential dread recently. i always feel like i have no purpose and there is no purpose to be found, but its hitting extra hard recently because i work with kids and they like have nothing to do but grow up and get thrown into the meat grinder of reality. i got really mad at my boss today because a kid had a blues clues bike helmet and i was like commenting on it and my coworker said that they remembered watching it on vhs in their grandmas house. this is all nice and happy, obv, but my stupid boss says the worst thing ever -- 'do you even know what a vhs is? im so suprised!'. like come the fuck on. like. i got so heated i like practically screamed my argument whenever this topic comes out-- you cant expect the so-called kids these days to know about technology that is obselete and not used at all. its not productive or useful or even smart to hold the lack of knowlege over their heads about something that is almost impossible for them to grasp physically! there are no video stores, no be kind rewind. there is just facebook live and watching snapchat stories instead of your kids. plus, kids are fucking smart. its not productive to diminish their value because they dont see vhs tapes because nobody but freaky weirdos (me) have a vhs player anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. i was angry at her for other reasons too but like who cares about work drama. nobody. i love internet drama though. i need more friends. and a purpose in life. or at least a plan for what im doing after school is over. fuck.

ENTRY: June 18th, 2023.

Currently listening to: hashtag cookie jar by red velvet

new youtube video up! im in a lot of pain today and i physically could not go to work today which sucks. i have to go to my main job tomorrow though. my mom keeps saying that ill feel better tomorrow but she said that yesterday and her prediction didnt come to fruition. oh well. masochist over here anyway. i have a lot of pc trades coming in soon! i have something to keep going on for!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i also gotta keep my duolingo streak alive.

gonna watch more nichijou today bc i finished up keijo yesterday. i really liked it i love sports anime. and boobs. smile smile smile. been listening to the song below a lot lately! wanted to have it on the site somewhere

ENTRY: June 16th, 2023.

Currently listening to: outlaw by ateez

stupid second job tomorrow. i make like no money there its so annoying. and they scheduled me 15 minutes under the allotted time required to get a break. not excited. and my shift is like a disgusting amount of time anyway. like why am i working from 9:15 to 4:30 like this is the worst thinge ever its gonna feel like 12 hours. im so fucking mad. i want to call off i just cant like wrap my head around that amount of time fr. FUCK.

ENTRY: June 15th, 2023.

Currently listening to: the michael shannon criterion closet video

had a piece of pepper stuck behind my teeth since lunch and i just dug it out and it was so fuckin spicy for no reason like it hurt my tongue.

update : i am so obsessed with thinking about the wes anderson dream i had last night

ENTRY: June 12th, 2023.

Currently listening to: a cafe vlog

tired again today! i did work all day and then decided to walk two miles to buy some candy which probably explains it. ive been itching to try these airheads soft filled candies ive seen at work and i finally found some today. theyre alright. im glad i found them though ! im looking forward to watching a couple episodes of keijo tonight! im annoyed with my friend so i had to mute their notifs for a bit though. not any relation to keijo i just thought about it. i also got paid today yippee! money for groceries and electricity and wifi and rent and- you get it.

my photocard trade sale acc is going well again! i just got a trade for this cute jongho pc i didnt think i would ever get! theyre asking for like three album pcs as a trade which is steep but whatever i dont really care. im also getting the pink christmas jinki pc with the cat ears and im like shitting myself on loop just thinking about it. i need their album and the ateez album to come out so i can collect more jinki and jongho!~

will update with my thoughts on the keijo eps later dont worry .

keijo ep 6 was LAME. sad. i gotta like mentally and physically prepare for my day tomorrow and then im gonna pass out. also gonna chomp on some off brand mini wheats. gn!

ENTRY: June 11th, 2023.

Currently listening to: hot knife by fiona apple

guess what! work again today! im so horrifically tired. i downloaded a book to read when its slow at work today. i also need to bring my water bottle so i dont die. my throat is always so dry at this job. i just want to go back to sleep. i think if my manager asks if anyone wants to go home today i need to volunteer because im so tired.

update (im listening to broken by dreamnote which was stuck in my head my entire shift) : back from work !!!!! watched two eps of keijo (its actually good i love sports anime and women) and im probably going to go to sleep soon -- i have work at 7:30 tomorrow morning fawk my life fr. i took home some popcorn from work and i ate too much so now my stomach hurts so bad. ummmmmm i really have not much to update. just that im still tired. my feet hurt rlly bad too. im also happy my friend found a link to keijo. did i mention that im enjoying watching keijo? hope everyone has a great day!!!1!!! heres a cafe vlog i watched earlier. the one i wanted to link wouldn't work but anything from the channel seoling on youtube goes crazy too. choively is my favorite though like thats my queen.

ENTRY: June 10th, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing

work today... im debating being a delinquent and bringing my airpods. just like to have one in at super low volume. like im doing concessions so i like need to be able to hear them but i also dont want to kill myself at work. this job isnt too bad its just like boring. and i also dont care at all or know what im doing. i also need to get some stuff for my friend's birthday but idk when im going to have time !!! ill update later.

ENTRY: June 9th, 2023.

Currently listening to: LCM by Choerry (pirated ver ofc)

1 week of work done yass. two days of my other job and then back to hell on earth though! i love my life! /j obviously. fuck man.

my paycheck's arent even gonna cover my fucking electric bill im so fucked i have nothing. i wont have any money to have any fun. fuckkkkfuiasjdlik;fd

struggling to be a person really fucking blows.

heres where my rant starts so just scroll past this if you dont care, i put a youtube song link below it to break it up xoxo.

FUCKKKIGOHIKJFNDM its so unfair that some people have to work every second of every day just to afford to be alive. like fucking obviously im not a genius for saying this and even more fucking obviously im not struggling as hard as most people. but like comparatively to like my peers and people i know, im having a bad time and some people have never had to work a day in their lives. i usually opt for not spending money whenever i can nowadays by like not going anywhere or having friends or having a social life at all, but most people my age dont do that! it is so infuriating how some people spend money. like how is it possible. i am like more privileged than many many others but it still is insane to me how privileged a person can truly be. like how can you spend $100-$200 a week on extraneous shit and still never have to work or try at anything. im so insanely envious of these people but like i love to suffer so who cares. working 52 hours a week is going to drive my mental health into the ground and its just to afford an electric bill and groceries. it fucking sucks! i feel like im doing all this for nothing and i dont care about my health or place in society enough to suffer every day at these fucking underpaid jobs! i see how everyone in this country feels and its terrible. i dont want to live in this world where i have to work to breathe. i envy those who just get to eat out everyday and never be on the other side of the situation. i want an adult job so i can make money to support hobbies but right now i feel like having fun and being my age is impossible. i have to be 10 years older to be able to be 20. FUCK.

heres a song i found recently

update : i also started keijo!!!!!! because my future roommate found it for me thank god. i really wanted to watch this anime about girls hitting each other with their boobs and butts i love it.

ENTRY: June 8th, 2023.

Currently listening to: make room by mcr

got home from work and took a benedryl bc of these terrible allergies ive had recently only for it to knock me out from 5pm to 7pm when i like half asleep went downstairs and shoveled some disgusting nachos into my mouth and then went back and fell asleep for another hour. now im here and my head hurts so fucking bad that i have to go to bed for realsies or else i think ill have to cut my head off.

theres no real problem with all this sleeping except that i wasted my entire afternoon and night of not being at work by sleeping. which sucks. i did watch another ep of nichijou though so that was good. it gave me a good couple laughs too it was a good ep. this part made me laugh

time for bed. gn all.

ENTRY: June 5th, 2023.

Currently listening to: house of wolves by mcr

work was so terrible today. like horrendous. its only tuesday FUCK.

going to the movies for free tomorrow though thank god. i have something to look forward to. not looking forward to spending money on our pre-movie dinner but whatever. i have some cash.

im fucking over my friendship on accident rn. i dont know what to do. i feel like shit and i have nothing to say to them. i think ill draft an email after this.

ENTRY: June 5th, 2023.

Currently listening to: simulation swarm by big thief

im so fucked

im convinced im not gonna make it through the summer its like so horrifically bad at my job. everything is so disorganized and i have to do so much more than theyre paying me. fucking blows.

at least i got my loona lightstick today! it looks so great on my shelf. (picture below)

im looking forward to wednesday - i am going to go to a movie with my friend ! i dont want to see the movie but i get free tickets so whatever. i think their sister is coming too which will be funny.

im also looking forward to being dead like frrrrrrrr

my gerard way related dream from last night was a lot for me to unpack and i havent even begun.

fuckkkkkkk i cant fucking wait to wake up and suffer in the morning. fuckkkaskjfuijkdsla;fkgjkan;fdl;ahbajlkdfs;lfjdnv w;flsd;sfndjsldajnfm,a snd,ns.,kjs.nskdajlsndkv

ENTRY: June 4th, 2023.

Currently listening to: plum by omega sapien

im so tired

work at 7:30AM tomorrow. fml frrrrrr

my anime escapism phase is coming back very hard.

i need new clothes so bad but i have no money. not much to report today. my loona lightstick is supposed to get here on tuesday though!!!!!!!!! so excited.

ENTRY: June 3rd, 2023.

Currently listening to: freaky by hyuna


my horrific work schedule starts tomorrow. i want to actually die just thinking about it like i will be standing for like 12+ hours every day for like a median of $14 /hr. fucking sucks! theres no point to it either. working to be able to buy groceries is so fucking horrific and terrifying and it makes me want to kill myself like not even exaggerating. i hate it i hate being in this stage of life.

in other news, video i edited should be up at midnight cst. it didnt feel right for it to be up at like noon idk. its not that good or anything idk why i did it. or why im talking about it.

i wanna watch a movie to inspire me to stay alive but i am so tired i cant see myself focusing on something rn. which sucks. really bad. i have nothing. i am nothing, etc. fuck.

ENTRY: June 2nd, 2023.

Currently listening to: nothing :(

notable things from today and yesterday : i fell asleep at 9:45pm and woke up at 3AM, 5AM and then finally 8AM, after the incident that occured when i was watching "New World" (2013) (swallowed a wad of bubblegum) i have successfully taught myself how to blow a bubble, i also filmed a new video but im waiting to edit it until tomorrow because i have nothing better to do.

i finally started nichijou and i know it is going to be a huge problem for me. like its so good. it reminds me of saiki which is like one of my top 4 anime ever and shows ever too. like ugh. so good.

my friend is making me go see the new spider man with them in theaters even though i dont really want to but i like watching movies in theaters and i get in for free. so oh well.

my photocard instagram is back up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can spend less time thinking about my general inferiority complex and look at little pictures of women and men on cardboard.

thats all thats really going on for me. ive been trying to watch more movies and ive been drinking a lot of coffee.

i need more music to listen to though. heres a link to my current favorites!!!!! / new favorites! (hover over the area directly beside this) here it is!!!!! i love this art sm

ENTRY: May 31, 2023.

Currently listening to: Patreon QandA For My Hunt For A Nearly Lost 90s Anime by hazel (mega slay youtuber)

tragically. my ipod shuffle will not turn on. i bought a cable for it and everything. i returned it today like literally the day after. very sad.

i have a 15 hour work day coming up... for two jobs... in a week. which sucks. oh well.

my kpop trading and selling acc got suspended on instagram. once these trades come in i guess ill stop. which sucks. i have a lot of cards i want to get rid of in favor of SHINee cards and Loona cards. my jinki collection is much sadder than i wish it would be.

i really wish that i knew more video essayists i could watch. i keep rewatching jenny nicholson videos and im running out of videos from my new favorite essayist (hazel. https://www.youtube.com/@hhhazel/ ). i subbed to her patreon too like i really like her. i hope i can find someone else to watch soon bc i dont want my brain to be able to think.

i also need to watch more movies and stuff! i'm trying to get through my "immediate watchlist" that i made literally like 6 months ago but i also keep adding more things to it. i tried to watch aloners 2021 last night but every sub i found was shit so i had to wait and ask my partial friend for a link. got it! ill be watching it after i go take some videos of some ducks eating bread!!!!!!!

ill hopefully edit that and put it up on youtube tonight. i also have another video ill try and make tonight too!

update : edited and uploaded it! i mentioned in the description that my mini essay could be found on here and its true! heres the one and only link to it right..... here (hover over the space to the right) yippee

i need to respond to my friend's email but i dont know how. unfortunately. sorry.

heres a picture i liked recently.

ENTRY: May 29, 2023.

Currently listening to: 22centurygirl by fromis_9

omfg i found my ipod shuffle... that bitch will be recieving all 1gb of loona music like oh my god. i dont have the right cable rn so i cant do anything about it yet but when i get it... im so excited

ENTRY: May 28, 2023.

Currently listening to: high heels by brave girls (bb girls)

shift yesterday went well! i just turned my brain off and did it. i made so many mistakes but like i do not care at all like i gave so many people free stuff just because i was lazy and didnt care that much LOL.

i also quit my kpop site writing thing. i was doing it for fun but the girl running it is such a bitch like shes like "press is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. IT SHOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE priority". and like. i guess. if it was a real site with people who like were actually getting paid or like were actually wanting experience in the field. i was just doing it for fun and cuz i liked writing little articles about shinee and girl groups. oh well.

i need more people to trade shinee cards with me. i bought a jinki MTTM card yesterday and i was so lucky im so excited for him to come in!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need more of jinkis cards though hes like my savior

hope you guys all have a great day!!!! xoxo!!!

ENTRY: May 26, 2023.

Currently listening to: on goat rock (in winter) by twinkle park

spent a big portion of my day setting up a trade/sale instagram for kpop photocards... im so obsessed i just want people to trade with me so bad!!!!

theres like no shawols there though so idk how im gonna find my shinee wishlist items...

i have something in my eye and im losing my mind. i have my 5 hour no pay shift tomorrow :( very anxious about it like idk what im gonna do. as usual, ill carry my gowon id keychain in my pocket for luck and a friendly aura.

i have 3 trades underway rn -- two that are for seungkwan and one thats for this minho DCM card ive been eyeing for months. so excited to finally get those for cards that were just sitting in my binder!!!!! like i said earlier, i hope i get more shinee related offers soon. i just love them more than i love myself like fr.

ENTRY: May 25, 2023.

Currently listening to: countless by SHINee

added a long manifesto about why i love shinee to this site... im losing my mind a little bit.

end of day update : started flcl... i started it like four years ago for like twenty seconds before i decided that i didnt want to watch it, but now im ready.

i officially start my job on saturday! its just like 5 hours of unpaid training but thats okay gotta start somewhere.

my dog is going to die soon.

i think ill like flcl. im in the right state for it. idk what ill watch next. flcl is so short. i like that though im happy i chose it. im already 2 episodes in.

need to call my friend. i have a list of things to talk about. he may see this. hi disel.

my new medicine makes me super sleepy. feeling the ebeneezer scrooge vibe with a little hat and gown. i need new music to listen to. i ate too much cheese spread. its too good. sorry everyone.

ENTRY: May 24, 2023.

Currently listening to: intro by dreamcatcher (from dystopia:road to utopia)

HAPPY SHINEE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i finally updated my shinee website (shawolism.neocities.org) after like 5 months! i added circle, killer and a sitemap! check it out if you ever want to know anything about shinee LOL. i'm planning on writing a long thing about them on a page here after i finish this so keep an eye out for that (if you like shinee, if not its a skip).

i think ill rewatch my favorite film according to my letterboxd - shinee world 3 - for the occasion. yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENTRY: May 23, 2023.

Currently listening to: tenchi universe episode 3

i think im squarely back in my anime era. i finished madoka magica yesterday and it was sooooo good i get the hype now like yeah i see it. I was planning on restarting kill la kill for the like nth time (i havent made it past episode 4 but i really want to), but i didnt... instead i just started a completely seperate anime from 1995 -- tenchi universe.

im watching the dub version, which i usually dont do - im a sub fan through and through- but this dub is funny i like the one for tenchi (he sounds like ding dong from oneyplays kinda) and ryoko obviously. tenchi is crazy i dont get the lore entirely but i picked universe because it sounded the funniest. i like it so far, its good for background watching for sure. heres a clip i like laughed at:

hopefully that inspired you to watch it along with me! this video has like all the episodes in it except for ep 1 which is silly but whatever.

ENTRY: May 22, 2023.

Currently listening to: chococo by gugudan (so good)

TW : WEIGHT // rough day today! went to the doctor and got perscribed some new meds but i have been really fucked by my own body recently -- i cant stand to be me!!!! im just too fat and such a waste of space. i don't know what to do because i like to suffer but i just hate myself so much i really have no clear answer.

tldr: i feel like dogshit because of my weight and the way i look so i feel like i need to destroy myself and get rid of the evidence.

besides my image and weight issues, i've been obsessed with watching anime figure collection videos on youtube. i also am watching madoka magica and im almost done! i like it, i like madoka and homura a lot,, sayaka too. ummmmmmm oh i also started selling these funko pops i had in my closet (cringe) so i can buy a loona lightstick (slay)! i sold one today for like super underpriced, so hopefully other people start buying soon!!!

i've also determined who my favorite vocaloid is : not a shocker but its yumemi nemu -- i have to listen to her album but heres a video example:

ENTRY: May 20, 2023.

Currently listening to: january by loving. (song also changed to good girl by hyuna and its like the best song ever)

still unsure about the scheduling for my job. the schedule doesn't say im supposed to be present, but they said they would "pencil me in" but like how am i supposed to know when to come in.

yesterday i spent upwards of 40 minutes watching kim lip fancams, wrote an article on yves for the k-pop magazine i'm a part of, cleared all of my ratings on letterboxd, and successfully deleted tiktok-- i was very productive.

i also got full points on my last final for the semester!!!! my professor had some nice things to say:

im so stressed about this stupid job like i do not want to start it :(

ALSO....... NMIXX haewon is destroying my life right now like shes so amazing im like hypnotized by her. she has the same birthday as my roommate too which is cool. im like insanely obsessed though like its so bad. ive been watching all of her fancams now and i followed like 5 fansites its bad for me!!!!!!

ENTRY: May 18, 2023.

Currently listening to: im busy by 2ne1.

uneventful day... i forgot to log into the like scheduling app for my new job so i'm not sure if im supposed to come in tomorrow... i probably wont... oh well...

i almost bought another SHINee album today but i told myself not to because i have to save for a trip in august.... very tragic... i might just buy it anyway.
like i bought work shoes yesterday why can't i buy shinee sherlock onew version!?

also speaking of onew.... wtff................

had a bit of a mental break and decided that im quitting social media. not cold turkey obviously (though i am a masochist, i dont think i could survive without immediate interaction). deactivated 3 (three) of my twitter accounts (kpop acc and personal acc have been spared), and i have archived all of my instagram posts.

i think tiktok is next... as much as i loathe that app, i have a lot of stuff in my bookmarks and i dont want to lose them! i also unfollowed a ton of people on letterboxd, just trying to clean house ig!

ENTRY: May 17, 2023.

Currently listening to: one way love by hyolyn.

very obsessed with putting litle details into this website... this is what it feels like to have an unscratchable itch...

ENTRY: May 16, 2023.

Currently listening to: heaven by exo.

as expected, i feel like crap. i had an "onboarding" session for my new job today and the general mangager was actually really nice so im not super worried about that job anymore! i'm gonna be working 7 days a week for the entire summer though. i won't even have time to be sad! thats what my mom said at least.

finally got bomsoup on the web!!!! so happy to be done working on this!!! happy with how it turned out !!